“How to Win Friends and Influence People”
The only book you need to lead you to success.
This is one of the first books I read when starting my entrepreneurial career. The truth is this and “The 48 Laws of Power” all focus on social engagement and persuasion. The difference between the two books is that “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is much more ethical in my opinion. It emphasizes the importance of not abusing power. “The 48 Laws of Power” is much less empathetic.
Dale Carnegie was an American Author who grew increasingly more famous through his series of personal development books and interpersonal skills. By many, he is also considered to be a pseudo-psychologist, deconstruct human interaction and creating books like this one. Unfortunately, the wan-trepreneurs of the world over used this book to its detriment. Now, the title is slightly contaminated but the lessons found inside are still invaluable.
When I first read the title I wrongly assumed that the book was for the socially inept who had no preconceived notion of interpersonal skills. However, seduced by the tribe of mentors that I idolized at the time, I found myself surprised at the amount of info found inside the book.
With countless weeks of trial and error, I still find myself reflecting through these lessons and continually improving my skill-set of influence and persuasion, ethically this time.
Analysis
Summary
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is an aggregate textbook of lessons that teach you how to become a likable person, manage relationships more effectively, create influence with others (ethically) and persuade others to change their behavior without being impertinent.
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Chapter 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
If you remember back to one of the first books we read through, “The Righteous Mind” You can remember Haidt talking about the post-hoc justification for emotionally based reasoning. Such a result occurs. when you give criticism without proper methodically planned consultation. Carnegie goes beyond the immediate defensive and suggests that the individual is now wounded pride (the ego) is damaged. This only magnifies that continuous post-hoc justification.
On a similar accord to Haidt (once again who pulls various parallels form Carnegie), the two in agreeance believe knowing WHY someone is the way they are is an important aspect to handling people by creating understanding.
The great inventor (more of an entrepreneur in my opinion), Benjerman Franklin proclaimed “I will speak ill of no man… and speak all the good I know of everybody”.
Take Away: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Find equal ground and start from there.
Chapter 2: The Big Secret of Dealing with People
“There is only one (ethical) way to make someone do something, which is making them want to do it.”
Let’s explore evolutional and biological psychology and the question: what are some of our deepest cravings? Charles Schwab said, “The best way to develop the best that is in a person is through appreciation and encouragement.”
“Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never”
Appreciation is one of the best tools used to motivate someone intrinsically. Encouragement and praise are genetically embedded receptors found and used in reinforcement learning mechanisms for our mind. With each positive recognition, the subject is more likely to reproduce the action that was given. This is called conditioned reinforcement. It’s not good enough to say “Good Job!”, an ambiguously almost patronizing response, but to explain HOW they’re doing good.
Take Away: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Chapter 3: He Who Can do this Holds the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way
The purpose of the elephant and rider analogy is to teach us that people have an emotionally driven basis for reasoning, automatically. The mental exercise of considering if one is arguing is the rider or the elephant is meant to create understanding. Carnegie suggests that you place yourself in their shows — think through their perspective.
Going above that, use Jockos lessons of disseminating the WHY well. Do some intra-perspective investigation. Discover what the other persons’ wants may be. The best way to convince someone is to explain how something can benefit them.
You can’t force a horse to drink water. You can, however, show them other horses drinking water (groupthink), or show them that drinking water will solve their thirst (placing their wants above yours, and explaining how it will benefit them).
Take Away: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Part 2: Ways to Make People Like You
Chapter 1: Do This and You’ll be Welcome Anywhere
“You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years trying to get people interested in you.”
It is easy to disregard some of Carnegie’s suggestions, but with some psychological evidence backing his recommended actions, we can truly appreciate his prescriptions.
We are actors inside a movie and each one of us is the main characters. This is our perceived interpretation of reality. If this is a true aphorism for us, and granted we are fairly similar in consciousness and perception, then everyone has a little movie playing in their head and THEY are the main character in their movie. Therefore, “We are interested in others when they are interested in us”. We tend to enjoy the company of those who admire us, as we love to talk about ourselves (especially in western culture where individualism is more pronounced).
Take Away: Become genuinely interested in other people
Chapter 2: A Simple Way to Make a Good Impression
If you reference back to “Maps of Meaning” Peterson states that we perceive objects with empirical and socioculturally determined significant as well.
This whole chapter is surrounding body language and more specifically the smile, especially when greeting someone. Remember that we are emotional beings. If we assign emotional significance that can affect us to objects (based on culture) then why would HUMAN Body language be any different? We have emotion receptors hardwires — so to speak — in our brain. The mind knows an insecure or false smile to a genuine one.
Take Away: Smile
Chapter 3: If You Don’t Do This, You are Headed for Trouble
I remember an ex doing a project on their name. Unsure of the significance of the name relative to the lecture I knew one thing for certain peoples names holds tremendous value. This section was brief but he stressed the importance of remembering names (or nicknames) and using them correctly.
Sorry, no real references for this one. But seems importance, nonetheless, from personal experience that is.
Take Away: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Chapter 4: An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
This is nearly a repeat of the 1st chapter in this part. The difference is learning to be a good listener after encouraging others to speak about themselves.
The common idiom “ we have two ears and one mouth for a reason” isn’t evolutionary correct but the implied meaning does. Listen carefully, even if you are genuinely interested and want to speak, stop and let them. I SAID STOP SPEAKING, DAMNIT!!! Let them talk!
Take Away: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Chapter 5: How to Interest People
After some initial probing, you have discovered their passions, their interests, and hobbies — the things that they treasure most.
Don’t be the weirdo and after 2 sentences online with an acquaintance ask what they are most passionate about… Don’t me be… Rather, attempt to reveal their “sacred treasures” through casually guided conversations.
Then use that information to get them to talk about themselves (Chapter 4). If you don’t know the subject well ask questions that you are genuinely interested in (Chapter 1).
Theodore Roosevelt, before having a visitor in his office, used to study topics he knew his guest would be interested in discussing before they came over.
Take Away: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Chapter 6: How to Make People Like You Instantly
The premise of this chapter was simply to always make the other person feel important.
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. If you want to be appreciated, feel important, worthwhile, give that feeling to others first.
Take Away: Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Chapter 1: You Can’t Win an Argument
Considering Chapter 1, Part One, we should not condemn or criticize as that will evoke the elephant, the emotionally based reasoning mechanism. On the same accord, we would avoid arguments as if they were rattlesnakes or the pestilence. Arguments tend to bruise peoples ego and it only evokes them to more defend their position with more tenacity.
If you can desire to see perspectives from the other vantage point than you are halfway towards diplomacy for resolving a misunderstanding (former: arguments). This is going to Dalio’s hyperrealism. Try to objectively see yourself and if they bring up a point you have not thought of then give praise and gratitude, then talk on such point.
Remember the elephant and the rider when you feel blood pressure charging. Only regret and pain will result, especially in a quarl turned argument. Think of the analogy to remember to stay emotionless when navigating through an argument. Find areas of agreement — common ground — and start from there and above all place pride (ego) aside. TRY TO THINK LOGICALLY, EVIDENCE-BASED.
Take Away: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies — And How to Avoid It
Appending on Chapter 1 above, we are not to tell someone they are wrong, ever. This is an immediate strike to one’s intelligence.
Alexander Pope — “Men must be taught as if you taught them not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot”
Use terms and phrases like: “I may be wrong. . . Let’s examine the facts”. This will expose a sense of vulnerability and aid you in lowering your opponents’ guard. Respect others opinions with intense courtesy. Admitting your wrongdoings will allow their guard to evaporate. This gesture will also introduce the engendering of your opponent to consider openmindedness and even potentially defend you by admitting their own shortcomings.
Take Away: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong”.
Chapter 3: If You’re Wrong, Admit It
Wrapping up Chapter 2, simply admit you’re wrong if you are. Own it quickly and use it to fail forward.
Take Away If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Chapter 4: A Drop of Honey
Consider this mental exercise. You’re in an argument, a rider on an elephant watching the elephant do as it pleases. Then you say one-or-two nasty things towards another which causes them to submit. You may feel accomplished, you may feel victorious. How do you think they feel now that their pride has been attached and they are left broken and embarrassed.
“If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.” — Woodrow Wilson
Take Away: Begin in a friendly way.
Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates
The prevalent theme in the book is to begin a conversation on things in the common, common ground rather than discussing items they differ in. The goal here is to get the individual to say “yes” and to say it quickly.
Notice how skillful speakers will receive tremendous amounts of audience engagement early in the talk, primarily in the form of agreeance, further affirming the desired direction of the speaker. Its easier to program the listener to agree with your perspective the more “yes”es you have as the foundation.
Take Away: Get the other person saying “Yes, Yes” immediately.
Chapter 6: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
This is a rather repetitious chapter. The section highlights the importance of letting others speak. Carnegie offers a suggestion when listening to a topic of disagreement told by the speaker. Do not interrupt them as they will feel offended, disinterested and still have streams of idea flowing. Therefore they will be less receptive to that which you may have to disagree about.
Everyone enjoys listening and talking about themselves, especially accomplished. Let them reminisce in their early trials and tribulations.
“If you want to make enemies, excel your friends. If you want friends, let your friends excel you”. In other words, build your friends up. Listen to their accomplishments. Don’t boast about your own. Mention your achievements only when asked.
Take Away: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Chapter 7: How to Get Cooperation
Have you seen the movie Inception? You know the one with Leanardo Di Vinci (lol). We’ll this chapter teaches you inception and spoiler alert, the practical version not nearly as exciting. The tactful persuader will incept the idea into their subject through a sequence of artful questions and use of various other persuasive tools on the tool-belt to direct the subject into the persuaders desired position.
Take Away: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Chapter 8: A Formula that Will Work Wonders for You
This was another redundant chapter. Carnegie stresses the importance of not condemning someone for being wrong + understanding their perspective (therefore how they came to that conclusion) will “Work Wonder”.
Take Away: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Chapter 9: What Everybody Wants
A prescribed script is administered by Carnegie to eliminate ill will and break down barriers of defense so that others may listen to you. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” He continues to state that this phrase can be said with 100% honesty because if you were in their position you’d be them and think that way. The logic makes sense, but idk about its effectiveness. I will try and tell you soon.
The chapter highlights the intrinsic desire to receive sympathy. He suggests three-fourths crave that human emotion. So, give it to them. At the minimum, be sympathetic to one’s ideas and desires. They are fragile items that are treasured tremendously by the other person. One scratch on that treasure afflicted by you likely will severe the ability to persuade them any further.
Take Away: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Chapter 10: An Appeal That Everybody Likes
The message hidden inside this chapter was a bit more cryptic than the others. From my interpretation, Carnegie is suggesting that you appeal — aligning the why — to a nobler cause.
When John D. Rockefeller wanted newspaper photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he appealed to nobler motives. He didn’t say “I don’t want these pictures taken”, but instead, said “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”
Take Away: Appeal to the nobler motives
Chapter 11: The Movies Do it. TV Does it. Why Don’t You Do it?
Back to “Maps of Meaning” by Peterson, we live in a forum of action. We, through episodic representation, dramatize nearly everything that creates affects towards us. Same concept but with expressing your ideas. If you dramatize them with some slight embellishment you can create an intense effect of persuasion through effective means.
Take Away: Dramatize your ideas
Chapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This
This chapter made me chuckle. This is the “hail marry” of persuasion tactics. I see this abused often with men when larger quantities of men appear. Too much testosterone kills intelligence I guess haha. Here is an example of the competition needed to stimulate the other person to achieve what you desire.
“I didn’t realize you were lazy/a coward/quitter/etc…”
“You’re right. You probably shouldn’t take that class. Only smart people can pass that class”
Literally just teasing hahaha. I love it. Works too (Jedi mind trick for the simple-minded).
Take Away: Throw down a challenge
Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Chapter 1: If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin
This chapter gives an antidote to the abrasive tendencies we feel after hearing any form of criticism. Sandwich it between some praise. The analogy he gives is that a barber lathers a man before shaving him. Otherwise, the process can be painful and the skin can become iterated.
Take Away: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Chapter 2: How to Criticize — and Not Be Hated for It
Carnegie offers additional instruction for delivering criticism. Using words like “but” after a compliment followed by criticism makes the listener question your sincerity, therefore, disregarding everything all together. This is the “Not to sound racist or anything but . . . [insert racist remark]”.
If you replace the “but” with “and” you can complete the praise and criticism as something sincere.
Take Away: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Chapter 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
Adding to one of the previous chapters, admitting your own mistake lowers the barrier for confrontation. This demonstrated that you are being fair and in pursuit of positive change, even if it’s your own. In return, they will be more persuaded to change their behavior.
Take Away: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Chapter 4: No One Likes to Take Orders
This is nearly a repeat chapter of part one. Give suggestions rather than giving orders. This effectively saves someone’s pride and prevents potential feelings of rebellion. I can relate to this topic when about to do something, my intrinsic desire diminishes tremendously once I was TOLD to do that which I was about to do anyway.
Take Away: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Chapter 5: Let the Other Person Save Face
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I didn’t really pull a lesson from this chapter other than not to condemn a man and lower his self-image.
Take Away: Let the other person save face
Chapter 6: How to Spur People to Success
Chapter 2 in part one talked about positive reinforcement. This chapter is appending to that thought. Praise improvements, especially micro improvements. Make sure the praise is genuine and not patronized flattery.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Take Away: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Chapter 7: Give a Dog a Good Name
“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”
This chapter suggests a prescriptive way to motivate someone to take action. Here Carnegie recommends that we act as if an individual already possesses a certain aspect that we would like them to improve on. Create
Example: Telling them they have the qualities of a leader and you can see it by their work ethic. Perhaps the person will start working harder after that to live up to that reputation.
Take Away Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Chapter 8: Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
This title is rather self-explanatory. Minimize the person’s faults so that the corrections seem easy to accomplish.
Take Away: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Chapter 9: Making People Glad to Do What You Want
The premise of this part is to make the other person happy about doing what you are suggesting them to do. If they do it out of intrinsic enthusiasm then the likely hood of them completing the task grows exponentially.
Take Away: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Conclusion
If you are needing to discover a proper method for building trust with people and skills of persuasion, then this particular read is almost imperative for success. The goal Carnegie set after was to build a series of easily implementable steps an individual can perform daily to progressively attain such skills and possibly obtain mastery of said talents.
Part one focused on understanding your audience. Discover what interests them and motivates them. Reorganize your thoughts so that you can convince others to do what you suggest, effortlessly, by using their interests and personal benefits as the motivator.
Part two emphasized body language. We also explored scientific references to support Carnegie’s claims. Remember names and smile. The two can go a long way. Lastly, he prescribed that you make the other person feel exceedingly important. Do the last step out of sincerity others wise your efforts will go detected and be nullified and rejected.
Part three was oriented around incepting ideas of action into the other person. Taking the blame and admitting faults is a great tool that could be used to promote others to open up to you and lower their guard — so to speak. Get others to say “yes” often and get others to so “yes” quickly. The more frequent you can make others agree with you the higher probability you have for building a persuasive statement. His last resort method for getting others to do as you ask is to simply throw down a challenge. Haha this suggestion made me laugh because it totally is a Jedi mind trick for the weak haha.
Lastly, part four articulated the importance of being a leader and what that role entails. The leader must be willing and prepared to admit mistakes first. This is a humbling moment and once again lowers others guard. Then the leader must praise micro-improvements. If you minimize the improvement needed then the other person can accomplish change with less effort. One idea that truly distinguished itself from the other chapters in this part was chapter 7. Assigning a “fine” reputation to others will motivate them to live up to those standards instead of the other way around. Makes complete sense and is a tool that I want to test and implement.
Once again, this book is essential for those who are engaging with people, especially if that is the primary focus in your occupation. Learning these social “hacks” can improve your ability to lead, whether it’s at the workplace or at home.
